EmptyResting Blog

April 2023 - January 2025

Mom struggles with life as an Empty Nester

Ever since my son went off to college in 2020, I'd been struggling as an Empty Nester. Having been a Stay-at-Home mom for eighteen+ years, I experienced a huge loss of identity and sense of purpose in my life.

This blog was a way for me to express myself and share my experiences during the difficult transition. My hope was that it resonated with you and let you know that you are not alone.

Transitioning

A Little Lost

A New Season

Saying Goodbye

A Natural Perspective

Hello Again

Dizzying Speed of Life

Don't just do something, Sit there

Fear of Making Mistakes

Untethered

A Good Reminder

A Welcome Distraction

Finding Balance

Post-Covid Blues

What the heck is my purpose?

Mind over Matter

To Nap or not To Nap

Sleepless Nights

The Fear of Stopping

Addicted to Lists

Rest: a four Letter Word

The End of an Era

Glass Half Empty Kinda Gal

Another Anxious Holiday

Help, my Mind won't Shut Up

My Inner Critic

The year after my son left for college, my part-time career also came to an end. It began when I started teaching yoga when he was in Elementary school and had been teaching ever since. In addition to being a mom, yoga gave me an identity. When people inevitably asked, "What do you do?" I was able to say, "I teach yoga" and not, "Oh, I'm just a mom" which always felt disappointing.

But after more than a decade of teaching, I suffered a hip injury that required surgery and a year of physical therapy. Then fearing the possibility of re-injury, had I returned to teaching, I decided to put away the yoga mat for good. Now I was no longer a stay-at-home mom nor a yoga teacher. I had lost both identities almost at once.

What's next

So my first search for meaning was to find another job. A job that would give me direction - that would fill the gaping hole. But after a year of searching online for jobs, applying, and going to a few interviews, I have not yet found anything. I am at a point of giving up.

And so here I am….. struggling with emptiness and a loss of meaning. But rather than filling it with another external solution, like a job, a new hobby or a fun trip, I am starting to wonder if there is another way. What if I turned inward for a sense of worthiness, meaning and purpose? What if instead of running toward some future goal, I stopped, felt my emotions and was quiet in the moment?

Emptiness

So instead of looking for ways to fill my schedule I will look for ways to be present. So far it has lead to a lot of empty time - sitting, pondering, and feeling. It usually does not feel comfortable. It feels like I forgot something. Like there is something somewhere else I should be doing, but I can't remember what. But I will be patient. I will be quiet. I will feel. And I will wait.

April 19, 2023

The End of an Era

When did society decide that rest was lazy, unattractive and even excessively indulgent?

I remember working in the corporate world (pre-kid) that the word "stressed" was almost worn as a badge of honor. It made me feel important - to have so many things on my plate that it was impossible to get them all done on time.

That was back in the day when I was trying to prove myself to others. When I worried that my productivity wasn't high enough, so I took on more work, skipped lunches, and worked late nights.

Early burnout

Luckily, that didn't last long for me. I was burned out in two quick years and decided to change course career-wise. Thinking I would be smart, I switched from the corporate world to the service industry of health and well-being.

But the idea of stress even followed me there. As a private business owner in the world of massage, I was always building my business, increasing my client base, working evening hours, and so on.

Then as a parent, stress came naturally. Life was busy with a small child, and continued as he got older. Worries about crossing the street safely, turned to worries about keeping up on homework assignments, to worries about being a new driver, to worries about getting into college. The stress was always there, it just changed shape over the years.

Part of modern life

I used to think stress was a necessary part of being a productive member of society. But more recently, I am starting to wonder if that was just another way I've been conditioned to think that isn't necessarily true.

What if stress isn't the only motivating factor in a good life? What if I let go of stress as the indicator of a productive meaningful life? What would be my new measuring stick? Do I even need a measuring stick? What if I decided that my life is good and meaningful just because....?

April 30, 2023

Rest: A Four Letter Word

I love a good list. Some people love a good wine. Others a delicious meal. Me - it's a list. And it's not just one list. I have multiple lists. There's the short-term list, the long-term list, the project list, the master list, the travel list, the daily list, etc. I would even go so far as to say that I'm addicted to making lists and crossing items off my lists.

The connection between lists and self-worth

Lists give my life shape. Lists give me purpose. Lists keep me on track with my goals. But just as any other addiction, there is a dark side as well. When I'm not able to accomplish everything on my daily list, I feel disappointed in myself. Rather than feeling happy about the items I did cross off, I get frustrated and down about what didn't get done that day. So basically my mood is shaped largely by my productivity. The more I get done the better I feel. And vice versa.

Stop the bad habit

So how to stop this attachment to lists? How can I rely less on lists as a measurement of worth. The only thing I can think of is to stop writing them. That sounds as scary to me as it might feel for some to stop having their nightly glass of wine at the end of the day, or to stop eating ice cream when they are stressed. It is taking away a source of comfort. But, in my case, it is taking away a dependence on productivity for self worth.

Rather than cold turkey, I'm going to get rid of the daily list and start with a weekly list. Baby steps toward my goal. Hopefully I can eventually move from a weekly list to a monthly list. My goal is to disconnect the link between my productivity and my mood. I would rather that my mood be a reflection of my quality of life, rather than the quantity of accomplishments.

Follow up - How it's going

A week into this experiment and it has been a learning process. I've been writing a Weekly to Do list rather than a daily one. An interesting observation is instead of procrastinating doing items on my Daily list, I have found myself doing items on my Weekly list sooner than intended. The logic being that it would "give me extra free time" later in the week. There is still some adjusting to be done. I find that I am paying more attention to how I feel during the week and less attention to how many items I've crossed off my list. But I am already seeing progress. And it's all about progress, not perfection.

May 14, 2023

Addicted to Lists

You could say that my mind is a terrible place to be after dark. When the busyness of the day has ended, the lights are turned down and I'm attempting to fall asleep, my mind can run rampant. There's a list of all the things I should have gotten done today but didn't (like returning that Amazon order, making a dental appointment, picking up the library book, or going to the gym).

Once I've run through all the shoulds in my mind, next are the shouldn'ts. You know, all those things that I shouldn't have done that day but did (like eating the whole box of cookies, sending that snarky text, leaving dirty dishes in the sink, or watching too many hours of Netflix).

Why do I do this?

Logically, I believe the "shoulds" are an effective behavior management tool. I think that by making myself feel bad today, it will encourage better behavior tomorrow. But in reality, it is just another way in which to beat myself up for not living up to my unrealistic expectations of myself. For five decades now I've adamantly believed that the stick is more effective than the carrot. But what if that's just not true?

How to change?

What if, now that I'm an adult, I could choose differently? What if the "shoulds" were just old beliefs? Beliefs I never questioned just like the sky being blue. How would I go about changing those "should" messages to something more useful in my daily life?

How about adding, "the story I'm telling myself is...." before the thought?

For example, "The story I am telling myself is that I should have worked out yesterday". Adding that short phrase to the original statement turns it into an opinion rather than a matter of fact. An opinion is something I can choose to believe or not. Unlike fact, opinion is arbitrary, not set in stone.

A gentler way.

We shall see how this change of phrase feels at night when I can't sleep and I'm tossing and turning, replaying the days events in my mind. It feels much gentler, less judgmental. It feels kinder, which is exactly what I am working toward in my Empty Resting journey.

May 19, 2023

Sleepless Nights

Why does the idea of rest scare the shit out of me? What am I so afraid of? Is it rational? Do I truly believe that if I allow myself to sit down, to slow down, to take a break that I might never get back up again? That the only thing keeping me going is momentum - and if I stop moving, everything will ground to a halt?

Sense of self-worth

It comes from my core belief that my actions define me. My sense as a worthwhile human being comes from my ability to create, produce and accomplish. Therefore if I stop all those things, my value disappears. Who am I if I'm not doing? What is my purpose? Am I still valuable? Am I still lovable?

The ridiculousness of these questions may be obvious to some. And I would never believe this about another human being. But why is my value so directly connected to my accomplishments? Because I lack internal esteem (aka self-esteem). Instead I have other-esteem; I get my esteem from others. When other people value what I do, I feel good. When others comment on my accomplishments, I feel valuable.

Facing the fear

So by stopping my activities I am forcing myself to build that sense of worth from within. I know it's going to be difficult and most likely, painful. But I am going to have faith that it will work. I will come out the other side stronger, better and more able tackle life's challenges - knowing that I am worthy. I am valuable. I am loved... by me!

May 26, 2023

The Fear of Stopping

I had a serious life decision today. I was so tired after running errands this morning that all I wanted to do was to take a nap. Usually, I would guilt myself into staying awake, after all, naps are luxurious. I didn't deserve to take a nap. But then I started to wonder, when did naps become so taboo? My body was tired. So the normal response would be to give it rest. When did my mind take over telling my body that its need weren't important?

Weekend Warrior Mentality

Decades ago, I remember weekends were spent doing household chores and resting from the busy work week. After a 40+ hours of working, it was expected to have some downtime - maybe read the newspaper, watch some TV, and play with the kids in the backyard, so you could get back at it bright and earlier Monday morning. Then somewhere along the line, the idea of "Work Hard, Play Hard" came into society's consciousness. Now people were spending their weekends hiking, biking, climbing mountains, and other extreme sports. So when these weekend warriors returned to work on Monday, they could brag about their "crazy weekends," but their bodies were exhausted.

Lazy Weekends

What got lost in all of it was the idea of resting on the weekend. Now whenever I run errands on a Friday, clerks inevitably ask, "Got any plans this weekend?" Now, I understand that they are just being friendly, but the underlying assumption is that only busy activity-filled weekends are worthwhile. I think I'll start answering with, "Nope, no plans, just going to be lazy this weekend," and see their response.

So back to my late morning conundrum, to nap or not to nap. This morning I decided to actually listen to my body and give it what it wanted and needed. And so I napped.... And my body felt heard, respected and thankful. In the future, I hope to listen to my body more often. To give it what it wants and needs. And to take back the notion that rest is lazy.

June 4, 2023

To Nap or Not to Nap

I'm not sure when the saying Mind over Matter came into our collective consciousness, but somewhere along the line I took it to heart. For those unfamiliar with the phrase, it means to use personal willpower (aka mind) to persist or overcome the body (aka matter). For me it means ignoring the messages from my body in order to keep working on the the more "important" task at hand.

The cost of this attitude

There are the small examples of Mind over Matter like not allowing myself to go to the restroom in the middle of a busy day. To larger examples of not listening to pain in my hip while teaching yoga. Our current culture tends to glorify the mind, but it comes at a cost. And these costs can range from daily headaches to physical exhaustion to reconstructive surgery.

Listening to the body

And so I am learning to listen more to my body. Pay attention to its cues. Respect its limits. In a culture that is so mind-oriented this can be difficult. It starts with small actions like going to the restroom when I have the urge, and drinking more water throughout the day. It includes adjusting my posture when my shoulders start to ache and taking a nap when my body is tired.

These are small actions, but I believe, with practice tuning into my body's cues, the results will be exponential. Hopefully I will begin trusting my body more and more, giving my mind permission to rest and take breaks. The goal is to ultimately find balance, so that both my mind and body can alternate between activity and rest, just like mother nature intended.

June 9, 2023

Mind Over Matter

Since my early teens, I can remember wondering what my purpose in life was. In fact, as a ten year old, I recall lying in bed one night trying to to solve the complex problem of poverty for when I became president one day. Then in my early twenties, I remember often pondering the meaning of life. I searched for it in religion, in self-help books, and other people. I was envious of others that knew their purpose with absolute certainty.

The path I chose

Let's just say a lot has changed since those early days. The path I envisioned myself taking - was not the path I ended up on. As a teen, I saw my adult future self as a single hard-working corporate business executive, financially successful, living in a busy city. Instead, I ended up being a married stay-at-home mom, with a part-time job living in the suburbs. I am so thankful that my path veered dramatically as it did. I'm pretty sure that other version of myself would have ended up sad, miserable, and lonely.

New quest

So looking back now, I see that any answer to the question of the meaning of life back then would have been very different from what my answer is now. Back then my answer was very superficial, like what kind of job I would have, where I would live, with whom, etc. Now my quest is more grounded and down-to-earth. Am I surrounded by people I love and care about? Is my body physically healthy? Is my mind mentally healthy? Do I have the energy and resources to do the things I enjoy?

And some days that answer is yes, some days it is somewhat, and some days it is simply no. But I will continue to ask myself the question. And I am certain that the answers will slowly direct me toward a fulfilling and rewarding life.

June 16, 2023

What the heck is my Purpose?

It's been more than three years since the pandemic began in March 2020. So now that we are slowly coming out of the constant state of emergency that we lived in for years, I expected to feel better. With the widespread availability of Covid vaccines and improvement of Covid medical treatment, I am technically able to go about a more or less normal life again. So why am I not excited about going shopping, attending social events, or hanging out with friends? I should be celebrating the fact that a trip to the grocery store is no longer a life and death decision.

But instead of happiness, I find myself more irritable, less social, and just not the same person I remember myself to be pre-pandemic. Activities I used to find enjoyable, like browsing my local Target store, meeting a friend for lunch, or going to the movies with my husband are not fun anymore. Now I tend to enjoy activities that are more solitary endeavors, like reading a book, relaxing in my backyard hammock, gardening, and needlepoint.

Introverted Tendencies

Perhaps this should not be too surprising as I have always been an introvert at heart. But the fact that I now dread going out in public is a bit alarming. It has nothing to do with being afraid. It's just that I don't enjoy being where other humans happen to be. Going to the post office or the grocery store practically wipes out my energy for the rest of the day, and so I prefer to just stay home.

I realize that the constant vigilance over the past three years of fear, and bad news has exhausted my nervous system. I now have a very minimal tolerance for distress. For example, I can no longer watch the nightly news with my husband, a previous daily habit. The stories are too upsetting (whether they are about politics, immigration, or gun violence) and I feel powerless to do anything about them.

Survival Mode

Also, it seems to me that people in public are less friendly and more irritable in general. And the incidence of rude drivers and road rage seems to be at an all-time high. Perhaps all of our nervous systems are still in survival mode - so the capacity to care for or empathize with strangers is just not there.

And so I find myself gravitating toward homebound activities. With the advent of groceries delivered to our doorstep and next day Amazon shipping, it just keeps getting easier. I hope that as I continue to be mindful of my energy level that I can slowly build back my reserve for discomfort and distress so that one day I will want to venture out again. But in the meantime, I'm going to find a book and comfy spot to snuggle with my dog.

June 23, 2023

Post-Covid Blues

Extremes come easily to me. Too many activities on my schedule or none at all. Eating daily healthy meals or only frozen dinners for a week. My life seems to swing from one side of the pendulum to the other. Very rarely am I able to find the stable, quiet, middle. Why is finding balance so elusive?

Even in Empty Resting I am trying to find the middle way. I don't want to jump into so many activities just to distract myself from the emptiness. But I also don't want to wallow around in self-pity all day long either. Like the pendulum, I am trying to find the center.

An intentional life.

My goal is to have more of an even approach to life - a life that is not so busy that I have no time to think or reflect. Just busy enough to stay active and engaged, still with plenty of space for creativity and contemplation. There are very few examples in modern day society. People living balanced lives don't usually make the news. Instead we hear about the mom running back-to-back marathons after battling cancer. Not the mom successfully balancing self-care with work and family life.

Balance would look differently in everyone's lives. We each have our own unique levels of energy. I'm more of a low-energy person and so my balanced life would look much different than someone with high energy. Such a person would think my life too slow and boring. And I would find their balanced life exhausting.

So my challenge is to experiment and find the right proportions between activity and rest. Hopefully in time I will find the sweet spot somewhere in the middle that is just right.

June 30, 2023

Finding Balance

This week my husband, pets and I are planning an RV trip to get out of the Texas heat. While preparing to be away from home, packing, and getting the house ready to be gone is stressful, I am looking forward to the welcome distraction of travel.

Travel is my go-to when I am feeling down or stuck. Being in an unknown place, where everything and everyone is new gets me out of my head. It forces me to be present to all that is going around me - from the bumpy, gravel road, to the trees rustling outside my window to the noisy kids playing nearby. Travel forces me to stay in the present moment and stay out of my negative mind.

Travel also gives my over-active mind plenty to do. There is always something to think about or plan - from what to eat for lunch today, to where to spend the night, to what activities to experience while we are there. And I enjoy the challenge of it. It is exciting and a welcome relief from the day-to-day boredom of life back home. Of course, what's missing is the long list of chores sitting on my kitchen counter waiting for my return. But none of that matters when I'm travelling.

And so travel is a welcome relief from my everyday life. It forces me to stay present, it keeps my mind busy with planning and decision-making, and it focusses my attention on the basics - where I will lay my head that night, what will I feed myself, and what I will do in the hours between sunrise and sunset.

Ok, enough procrastinating, I have to get back to packing.

July 23, 2023

A Welcome Distraction

It's 7:00pm and I'm sitting in a red wooden rocking chair crunching on peanut M&Ms as I sit across from my departure gate at the airport. I've already walked the length of the E terminal from Gate 1 to 36 three times. Only 2 more hours until my flight to Texas departs.

I've spent the last week with my 27 year-old niece on a girls trip. We've been shopping, eating, and having a great time at the Mall of America. It has been a welcome getaway - time away from home, time to be silly, time to binge watch Gilmore Girls, as well as time to reconnect with my niece. It's a welcome reminder of who I am and what is important to me.

It reminds me that I am a fun adventurous person. It reminds me that I am a good listener. It reminds me that I am authentic. It reminds me that I am a worthy person just as I am. It reminds me of the importance of spending time and making memories with loved ones. It reminds that living life without a list or an agenda is valuable. It reminds me that just being present with another human is enough.

None of these things are measurable. They aren't something I can cross off my list and call completed. They are values that I live on a daily basis. They are what guide my interactions with other human beings. And yet, I don't often consider them. I don't assign them much importance or worthy of my attention. But they are.

They are so much more important than cleaning the clutter out of my closets. Or painting the backyard fence. Or updating my bathroom fixtures. Some of the items crowding my To-Do lists. My values are mostly invisible - often forgotten and taken for granted. But they are what make me "me."

This week reminded me that who I am is much more important than what I do - a fact I often forget.

August 7, 2023

A Good Reminder

I had to bribe myself to leave the house today. It didn't take much - just the promise of an iced vanilla latte. But it was enough to motivate me to get dressed and leave the house for an hour. I guess you could call me a homebody, but not your run-of-the-mill type of homebody. I'm more of an Olympic-level type homebody, if there were such a thing. I've always been a bit of a homebody. But ever since the prolonged stay-at-home Covid isolation period a few years ago - I think I've earned platinum level Homebody status.

My Old Life

I used to be normal. When my son was in elementary school, I was on the PTA board and I regularly volunteered in his classroom. When he was in middle school, I was a Tennis mom. And when he was in high school I was a Band mom. I was also active in Boy Scout leadership for the 11 years he was a Scout. My husband and I were often social with other parents - Tennis parents, Band parents, Scout parents. So basically our lives centered around our son. But I was happy with that. We both enjoyed being active and engaged with whatever activity he was participating in at the time.

(Perhaps that is why he moved over 1000 miles away to college. Hmmm... food for thought.)

Which is partly why I'm struggling so much now that I'm an empty nester. My activity center, my social center, my center is now gone. And I'm left floating. Not in a pleasant dreamy lightweight sort of floating. More in a helium-balloon-accidently-released-into-the-sky kind of floating. Unmoored. Untethered.

My New Life

So how can I embrace this untethered-ness? I'm trying new things. I learned Pickleball for the first time this Spring. But with 30 plus days of over 100 degrees in Texas, I've taken a temporary hiatus from the game. I took a pole dancing class - and somehow managed to sprain my thumb, which is still recovering several weeks later. I've taken online painting classes. I've started pet sitting. I started this blog.

But I still haven't found my groove yet. I know I will never have the same sense of purpose as I once did. Being a parent is one of the hardest, challenging and yet also the most rewarding jobs I've ever had. And I will always be a parent. But now I'm a parent to an adult who no longer relies on me for everyday guidance, and support.

I was a full-time parent for 18+ years. So I suppose taking a few years to find myself again shouldn't come as a surprise. And so, here I am.

An untethered, struggling, floating..... Homebody.

August 12, 2023

Untethered

"Your hair is a mess!"

"Those shorts are getting tight on you."

"Why haven't you finished that project yet?"

"You're eating junk food again?"

I have this voice inside my head. It's not the friendliest of voices. It's the voice that's always been inside me for as long as I can remember. I just assumed that it was my voice, and that whatever it said was true. I never questioned the validity of it. I believed everything it told me. Afterall, why would I lie to myself?

Recently, I've started challenging this voice. I've begun questioning whether its statements are actually true. The answer is almost always NO. And it's making me miserable.

So why doesn't my inner voice say things like, "Wow, you look really beautiful," or "I'm so proud of you for getting up early this morning to take a walk,"" or "It makes sense that you haven't finished that project yet. You've had a lot on your plate recently." Messages like this would be supportive, motivating and inspiring. They would be things a friend would say if I were struggling.

But when it come to love, praise and support my inner voice is silent. It only wants to be judgmental and mean. It's like my own personal critic inside my head. I can't run from it. I can't hide from it. But I have a choice - whether or not to believe it.

What if in response to this critical voice, I added a supportive voice? It might not come natural, but it could be purposefully cultivated. To counteract the negative. To be supportive and loving. To maybe even tell the truth.

I can hear my inner critic sighing with contempt. Afterall it's just trying to save me from embarrassment and judgment from others, by judging myself first. But it hasn't worked. It has just kept me from being who I am truly meant to be.

So what is there to lose? Let's give this a shot. What do you say......?

"You go girl!"

August 18, 2023

My Inner Critic

Why can't I just sit still and meditate? I don't have any problems sitting still and reading a book, sitting still and watching a movie, or sitting still and doing needlepoint. But I can't seem to sit still and do nothing?! Why is that so difficult?

Meditation Benefits

The benefits of meditation are widely well-known: lower stress levels, lower blood pressure, lower cortisol, increased sense of well-being, etc. Despite all these benefits, despite knowing how good it is for me, despite recommendations from my doctors, I still struggle to do it. I have tried meditating on and off over the years, but I've never been able to make it stick.

Focus Muscle

Like many others now over the age of fifty, I've started playing word games on my phone to keep my brain sharp and hopefully delay the inevitable age-related cognitive decline. What if I looked at meditation similarly? Afterall, meditation is training the brain to focus. Just like physical exercise strengthens my biceps, so that I can lift heavy objects when I need to, meditation strengthens my focus "muscle", so that when I'm struggling, I am able to calm down, focus and stay in the present moment.

Regular Practice

Maybe this isn't a revelation for anyone else, but it is for me. So rather than being disappointed when I don't experience inner peace while meditating, my long-term goal will be to "strengthen" my ability to stay calm and focus. I won't expect short-term gains. Just like going to the gym I don't notice results that same day. But I feel stronger the more I make it a part of my regular routine.

So I'm excited to give this another shot. I will think of it like going to the gym, brushing my teeth, eating healthy and playing word games. Meditation will be another part of my daily health maintenance. Most likely I won't enjoy it in the moment. It will probably be difficult and frustrating, but it will come in handy for those times when I'm feeling stressed. So wish me luck, I'm going to go sit and do nothing!

August 27, 2023

Don’t Just Do Something, Sit There

Ever since I can remember I have always hated playing games. Whether it was boardgames, like Life or Monopoly, or outdoor games like badminton or softball, I hated playing it. Growing up, my family was quite competitive and games were played to win, not to have fun and enjoy spending time together. So I equated playing games with feelings of dread, and shame. And so rather than risk experiencing that discomfort, I would choose not participate.

Lost Opportunities

This attitude, created in childhood, followed me into adult life. As a result, it has unfortunately kept me from trying a variety of new things, from hobbies, to sports, and even jobs. If I wasn't perfect at something the first time, I would quit. Or because I didn't feel I could risk doing something less than perfect, I wouldn't even try.

Painting Lessons

Several years ago, I decided to try painting. My neighbor, an accomplished artist, was giving watercolor painting lessons out of her home. At first I enjoyed learning a new skill, and meeting new people. But gradually I'd get frustrated, always comparing my paintings to others who'd been practicing for years. Eventually after a year, I quit.

Newfound Wonder

Recently, I've wanted to challenge those old beliefs. I don't want my self-worth to be determined by how well I do at something. I want to try things just for the fun of it. What I've found when I focus on the process instead of the end result, is that I actually enjoy painting again. I enjoy mixing paint together to create new colors on my palette. I like the feel of the brush strokes on the paper.

I imagine it's what a child feels like when they color or paint. They aren't trying to produce a masterpiece, they just enjoying creating. I'm hoping to recapture that childlike state of curiosity and wonder. Focusing on the process, staying in the present moment, and just allowing myself to experiment and play.

September 2023

Fear of Making Mistakes

I started this blog to help process my feelings and emotions brought on by empty nesting. It has been a useful tool in that it gives me a weekly focus, it helps me clarify and organize my thoughts, and it provides me with a creative outlet. Unfortunately, it also keeps my mind busy, constantly thinking of what to write for the next weeks blog. I spend a lot of time thinking, writing, editing, deleting, starting over, etc. Ironically, the intention of this whole experiment was to practice Empty Resting – resting both my body and my mind.

Busy Bee Mind

The issue is that my mind doesn’t want to rest! It craves stimulation. It loves to problem solve. And so, my loud logical mind crowds out the softer inner voice. I am not able to hear what my intuition is telling me because I am busy writing business plans for some crazy idea that popped into my head the night before when I couldn’t sleep.

Why Crafting is Good for Me

This is why being creative is so important to me. Crafting, whether it is painting, crocheting, or needlework, allows my mind to quiet just for a bit while I focus on the enjoyable task at hand. Of course, there are inevitably times when my critical mind pops up uninvited to tell me she doesn’t think my painting is very good, or my stitches are sloppy and uneven. But I just remind her that there is no such thing as perfection and the whole point is to enjoy the process.

So, once I’m done posting this entry online, I think I’ll head into my art room and play with paint. And listen for that whisper that is my intuition. I know it’s there; I just need to be quiet long enough to hear it.

October 12, 2023

Help, my Mind won't Shut Up

The countdown begins. You know the one I’m referring to. The one that begins, innocently enough, when you are in a store shopping and you hear it: the dreaded holiday music. Halloween is still a week away, but the marketing sales people want to remind us that Christmas is right around the corner.

Holiday Plan

Unfortunately, my holiday season always starts with pre-stress. That’s the anticipatory stress about the upcoming stress. During this stage I attempt to come up with a plan to keep the stress at bay. Some years it works, others it does not.

Commercial Christmas

Every year I need a reminder that finding the perfect gift for everyone on my list is impossible and that attitude just ruins any chance of holiday joy. Back in the day, it seemed like Christmas was more about spending time with loved ones, practicing family traditions, and the spirit of giving. Now it feels like it’s more about buying people things that they don’t need and possibly don’t even want just because the television ads guilted us into it.

Ideal Holiday

Sometimes I wish that the holidays didn’t include gift giving at all. But rather they were centered around spending time with family and friends, playing games, eating good food, and enjoying each other’s company. What a revolution that would be! A holiday not centered around shopping!

One day, I hope to get there. But I’m not there yet. So let me start my Christmas list on my phone in hopes, fingers crossed, that I won’t be stressed out this year. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with wishful thinking!

October 22, 2023

Another Anxious Holiday

I would describe myself as a generally pessimistic person. I tend to assume the worst and hope for the best, knowing that it is unlikely. I think that if I don't expect good things that I will save myself the disappointment of not having them turn out. Perhaps, it is related to losing my father at a young age, but it's been a long-held pattern that just seems to come naturally.

Badge of honor

To be honest, I’ve been proud of this outlook. It feels like I'm being a rational and realistic person, unlike those Pollyanna, head-in-the-clouds type of people. But recently, I’m starting to wonder if maybe it’s not so beneficial for my mental health.

But is it even possible to change? Can I increase my level of optimism? Can I change my experience based on the thoughts I allow myself to believe? Or is it too late? Is my brain already hard-wired for negativity?

Remodel Anxiety

For example, my husband and I are planning to remodel our guest bath. But the thought of making all the decisions of tile choices, fixtures, countertops, colors, brands, etc., to complete this project makes me want to run and hide away in a remote cave somewhere. I'm so afraid of making a "wrong" choice that I'm paralyzed with fear and anxiety and dreading this project every step of the way. Which is exactly why I’ve been putting it off for over 10 years.

But what if I could turn this from a stressful negative situation, into something more manageable, if not, actually enjoyable?

A New Concept

Instead of allowing the fear to overtake me, what if I focused instead on how nice it will be to have an updated attractive bathroom for my friends and family to use when they visit? How much better the new neutral shower tiles will look compared to the outdated teal tiles currently in place? Maybe then each step won’t feel so exhausting and daunting.

I’m not sure this is actually going to work. But I believe it's worth the effort. I know that there will be disappointments along the way, but I don't need to stress about them before they even occur. And when they do occur, I can manage them like a mature adult.

What would a more optimistic life even feel like? I don't know but I can't wait to find out.

November 2023

Glass Half Empty Kinda Gal

It has been a while since I’ve posted. Life has been happening at a dizzying pace. In the weeks since my last post, I’ve travelled, sprained my foot, completed a petsit, suffered from 10 days of vertigo, said goodbye to our sweet 12 year old cat that got suddenly sick, celebrated Thanksgiving, and now here I am working on Christmas cards and decorations.

A New Sensation

Just thinking back to that time makes my head spin. The experience of having gone through such a concentrated chaotic time has had a peculiar side effect. All of the sudden, my life seems very ordinary, uneventful and maybe even, I’d even go as far as to say, peaceful. The feeling is rather pleasant and also unnerving, almost like I know there’s something important that I need to do, but I can’t for the life of me recall what that is.

What am I Missing?

The fear is that all of the sudden I’ll remember what that important thing was and have an anxiety attack because I can’t believe I forgot it and I’m way way way behind schedule! It’s like my body is feeling peaceful, but my nervous brain doesn’t trust that sensation and is just waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop (aka see previous post on pessimism).

Accept the Present Moment

But for now, I am going to accept the peace (even if it is due to ignorance or forgetfulness). I will take this sense of calm and enjoy it. Because inevitably… it won’t last.

December 2023

Dizzying Speed of Life

It’s a new year already and I’ve been remiss in writing a new blog entry. I will say that it’s due to the busy holiday, and that is mostly true. But I’m also trying to figure out if I want to continue writing this blog any longer. I have been busy and there have not been very many readers, although, to be clear, I did not start the blog in order to have a large readership. The main purpose I started was to give myself permission to sit down, reflect on my life and hopefully make sense of some of it. The secondary reason was to let others who may be in a similar situation know that they are not alone.

So while the first reason is still very much valid, I will continue. However, I may not post as frequently, so as to reduce my stress level when I feel necessary.

So with that said, Happy New Year! New Year is not particularly exciting for me anymore. It generally means that the holidays are over and now it is time to start the “Great Putting Away.” Pulling out the brittle old green holiday bins from my garage to unpack the ornaments, tree, and accompanying decor can feel like a hassle. But nothing compares to the monumental endeavor of bringing aforementioned bins back inside to pack everything up and put it away until next November. But alas, now that it is completed it feels good to have a sparse tidy living room again.

So, the holidays are behind us and now what???? I can’t even remember what projects that I was working on before November, when we started the Great Bathroom Remodel, which, by the way, was barely completed in time. Arriving home for the holiday, my son had to use an alternate bathroom for a few days while we finished the last few touches (like installing a toilet and sealing the grout) in his bathroom. But it is indeed finished (for now). (I still want to repaint the cabinets and walls. But don’t tell my husband that. I will worry about that another time.) Perhaps, one day, I will write another blog entry about everything I learned not to do on my first home remodeling project.

Well, that is all for now. I’m going to go outside to get some fresh air before the arctic cold air arrives tonight. Happy Holidays and New Year to all!

January 2024

Hello Again

I’ve been having a rough time lately. About 6 weeks ago, we had to put our sweet beloved 14 year old dog to sleep. I knew that she was getting up there in age – she had lost her hearing, had arthritis in her hind legs and had slowed down quite a bit over the last year. But she still was happy to see me every time I came home. She loved to snuggle in bed when I was feeling down. And her most favorite place in the world was sitting between my husband and I on the couch, with her head in my lap, while we watched Netflix. So when she stopped eating, could no longer hold herself up to go potty, and seemed to lose interest in life, we knew it was time.

It has been a struggle since then. The first week it took a while to get used to the fact that she was no longer in our day-to-day life. I would find myself expecting to see her throughout the day, having temporarily forgotten that she was now gone. It was second nature to look for her whenever I arrived home to greet her. Or when it was time to Netflix and chill. Or when I was headed outside and knew that she would want to follow me. At first it felt temporary, like she was at the groomer or the vet and would be back later that day. But as the days passed I knew that this was my new normal.

Not everyone understands the special love between a pet and their owner. It is a unique bond that is unlike any other. Our pets are always happy to see us no matter what. We might be upset with them for making a mess, chewing on a piece of furniture, or having an accident - yet they still look at us with their sweet eyes filled with unconditional love and affection.

Since we had to put our sweet kitty down last November and now our dog too, the house is much emptier and lonelier without our furry companions. It is just my husband and I in the house. We are now truly empty nesters. Just he and I sitting in the nest by ourselves - looking at each other like, "what now?".

I am still adjusting to this new pet-less lifestyle. Yes, it allows us to travel much easier and be more spontaneous. But it comes at a cost. The price of losing a loved one who occupied such a huge space in my heart.

It's been 6 weeks since we lost our pup. It hurts a little less, the wound is not as raw and fresh, but it still feels tender to the touch. I still miss her terribly and can cry at the drop of a hat when I think of her soft fuzzy belly, smelly old breath, and knowing wise eyes. But I try to focus on the good times we had together and know that I was lucky to be her "person" for the time that she had on this earth.

February 2024

A Natural Perspective

April 2024

Saying Goodbye

It’s hard to believe that soon my husband and I will be taking a trip out to California to watch our son graduate from college. It seems like only yesterday that we drove 1500 miles across several states to get him all settled into his small dark concrete dorm room. And yet, it’s almost hard to remember that he started at the height of Covid, taking online classes sitting alone at his computer everyday and going to the health center for weekly Covid tests. That feels like a lifetime ago.

I can remember how I felt so lost and untethered after he left for college. It was, after all, the impetus to start this blog a year ago, when I was still struggling with my empty-nest life. But now, a year later, I have a new sense of peace. Mind you, not every day, but most days. Writing this blog has given me a sense of purpose and vantage point to see my life from a 10,000 feet perspective rather than a 10 foot perspective.

I see that my life has seasons and transitions and that is what this is - natural progression from active parenting to more supportive parenting. I’m not there to solve my son’s problems, just to listen and sometimes share my experience, and always let him know I'm there for him.

In the past, I have centered my life around my son. But now I have my own life to find joy and comfort in. I have made friends with similar values that enjoy deep conversations. I allow myself time to rest and recharge when I need it. Not feeling guilty that I’m not getting "enough" done every day.

Perhaps the largest change is that I have learned to give myself grace. I have always extended grace to others when they needed it, but rarely to myself. But I, too, need grace. Grace to make mistakes. Grace to rest. Grace to not know the answers right this minute. Grace to listen to what my body needs even when my brain is trying to override it with messages of guilt and shame.

I would say that this has been a very productive year. Learning to give myself grace is not something I could have ever accomplished from adhering to a stringent To-Do List. Instead I have learned it by slowing down, doing less and listening for the quiet whispers of my heart.

My heart wants peace. My heart wants rest. My heart wants joy. And so I have re-oriented my life to allow space for what is most important, like a seedling needing enough light, water and room to flourish and grow.

What a gift this Season of struggle has been. Now that I have new listening skills, I can’t wait to see what the next Season has in store for me…

May 2024

A New Season

This past June, my husband and I drove out to watch my son graduate from college. I couldn’t believe that four years had already passed – where did the time go? After graduation he moved to a nearby city to start his new job and is now a full-time working man. We are so proud of him and happy that he is settling into his new life.

After we arrived home from that trip, I had the thought, “Ok, now what?” My son has successfully flown the nest and I am actually feeling good about it, compared to four years ago when I was a blubbering mess. So what’s next for me? Do I continue writing this blog?

After some months contemplating this question, I’ve come to realize that this blog has helped give me focus and keep me moving in a healthy direction. It has allowed me to express myself in new and challenging ways. Overall, writing the blog has been a positive experience, therefore I would like to continue writing, but now that I’ve embraced the empty nest, my focus will be shifting.

Instead of limiting the blog to just one aspect of my life, I would like to transition into and broaden its scope to include more of my journey as a woman in her 50’s, learning to set boundaries with others, communicating better with my loved ones, and accepting life as it actually unfolds rather than how I think it “should.”

Do any of these topics resonate with you? If so, I’d love to hear about it.

My most recent struggle has been recuperating from foot surgery, that has left me almost immobile for the past 3 weeks and I am about to go stir crazy. Luckily, I have a wonderfully supportive husband, but I am not good at asking for help once, let alone a million times a day. So I have to keep reminding myself that this is another learning experience and it won’t last forever.

I look forward to the evolution of this blog as I continue to evolve as a person. I look forward to sharing my hardships, my lessons, my mistakes, and my joy as well.

November 2024

Transitioning

Happy New Year! It’s hard to believe another year has already passed. Now that the holidays are over and the Christmas decorations are put away, I’m feeling a bit unsettled. For the longest time my life has been prescribed – I always knew what was coming next. For the last 20 years our lives were oriented around our son’s school schedule. The next grade, the next vacation, the next graduation, etc.

But now that he has graduated from college and is working full-time, there is no longer that external framework upon which to organize my life. Initially, I thought it would feel liberating. But now that he has been working for several months, and the excitement of the holidays is over, I’m feeling a little lost. It's like my compass needle is spinning in circles, never sure of which way is North. How can I orient my life in the midst of that?

I'm hoping that slowly there will be some clarity in the coming weeks. It doesn't all make sense at the moment, I'm still in the midst of figuring it out. But I thought I would share where I'm currently at.... still a work in progress.